So gerry tells me he bought me a gift card to a restaurant for $250. I was on the phone with him 3-way while he ordered it. Well, so I head out to go get the thing and guess who calls? That’s right. It’s gerry, to tell me that there is no card because, get this… The woman wrote his card down wrong. Not only that, but he’s left his credit cards in his office so he can’t purchase another one unless he remembers his card number.

I tell gerry that he’d better get it sorted out or that he’s fucked, that I’m on the other line with my brother and that frankly, he’s not important enough to blow off my brother for. That I’ll call him back in 10 minutes. In the span of those 10 minutes, his mother has a heart attack! I know, right? you rolled your eyes too, didn’t you?

Anyway, that’s when things start to get fun. The conversations that follow are our text messages back and forth:

Me: So first, the woman at the restaurant writes down the wrong number and then your mother has a heart attack all in one day! Impressive!

Me: If you couldn’t catch my sarcasm, I don’t believe you.

gerry: U win

gerry: my mother is in horspitai how dare u u r done

Me: and what do I win?

Me: Please. Done? And what does that mean?

Me: Email me a picture of the hospital room.

Me: If my mother was in the hospital after just having a heart attack, I sure as hell wouldn’t turn off my phone in case they needed to contact me.

Me: Nice try.

Me: As a concerned individual, I should find out her number, call, and ask if she’s okay.

Then this morning:

gerry: My mom passed away if u ever contact me i will kill u and your brother i am a crazy fuck trust me

Me: That’s a laugh

Me: Is the 5k going through? I’m going to be pretty pissed if it isn’t. I should mention, fucking with me would be a grave error on your part.

Me: What’s more, you’ve got no chance of finding either me or my brother, though just for laughs lets say you did. I would not hesitate to blow your brains on the wall.

Me: If you think you’re a crazy fuck, fucking try me.

Me: When I get home, I’m digging up your information.

gerry: Go ahead i know someone on the web that wants to kill you and i think he said he works for ups.

Me: Hahahaha you’re so full of shit. By the way, even if you did, they have my old address on file.

Me: you’ve got nothing. you’re pathetic.

Me: No response, bitch? Out of avenues? Didn’t think your cunning plan all the way through?

gerry: Have fun in jail don’t think they’re your guns no problem telling police and blackmail is illegal does not matter whos guns u don’t want police in house

Me: Try me. I’m covered in both cases.

and an extra treat, one of our many phone conversations: